Sea of Serenity

..I’m just a beautiful disaster. Am I really just that fucked up in the head that I’m never just going to be happy? I swear I try so hard, or maybe I’m just not trying hard enough. Maybe I’ll feel worthless forever. Maybe I’ll always feel like nothing. I might have a lot going for me right now, but I feel like I’m just going through the motions. I’m too grouchy, too unhappy and I don’t know how to change that. Nothing makes sense. Life doesn’t make sense. I don’t know how to handle life. I’m way too emotional for my own good. I can’t handle my emotions. They’re so powerful. I fall victim to them every time. I’d make a damn good villain in a super hero movie.

I remember when people used to tell me how confident I seemed and shit like that. I used to believe that, too. I’m not so sure anymore. I’m not skinny enough, I’m not pretty enough, my hair isn’t fabulous enough, I’m not tall enough, I’m too muscular, I have a lisp, my skin breaks out a lot, I have stretch marks, I eat too much. It’s like a battle every day and I’m so sick and tired of it. I judge myself every day. 

Sometimes I feel like everyone just lies to me and tells me what I want to hear just so they can use me. Can I not trust anyone anymore? What’s happened to me?

I don’t want to be like this anymore. I need help because I can’t do it myself. I feel so alone. Am I a soul of nothingness? Do I have nothing to offer to the world? Is anyone listening?

why you gotta be all up in my business?

lololololololololololololol